Medford, OR - It was a day like any other. Jonathan's parents awoke at their normal time. His mother, whom we will call Olga, got up as she usually does to feed him. His father, whom we will assign the alias of Fritz, went about his normal morning tasks as he prepared for work. Olga and Fritz asked that their real names not be used as they are litigants in a civil suit pending at an appellate court in Oregon. Though the routine was normal, the day would turn out to be somewhat extra-normal.
"I've been selling stuffed animals and infant toys for 63 years and I've never seen anything like what I saw at Olga and Fritz's that morning!", exclaimed Herb Frondenmeyer, an international toy expert and personal toy consultant based out of Andover, MI. "Toys don't normally attack in broad daylight. They're more nocturnal and even somewhat shy of people," he went on to explain.
In a 2002 study conducted by the American Toy Foundation (ATF), research showed that 98% of store bought toys were benign in disposition, whether during or after daylight hours. Of the remaining 2%, an overwhelming 99.9% showed no aggressive characteristics even when stimulated with a cattle prod. The 0.1% remaining did show odd behavior but nothing in the realm of what could be called dangerous or harmful. "Unusual toy behavior has been difficult to observe because the toys seem to know when you are watching," explained Sarah Greshenko, Director of Research at the ATF labs located in Boring, OR. "Additionally, all incidents have occured at night. Not once has their been a daytime recorded episode." In discussing some of the data that ATF has compiled, Greshenko went on to state, "one interesting anomaly for which we have no explanation is that home made toys or toys purchased at garage sales appear to exhibit more aggressive behavior. Though the percentage of aggressive, mal-adjusted toys in the second hand or home segment is still low at 3.8%, it is statistically significant due to the complicated mathematical equations that we use to prove our research. Also, that 3.8%, though of a much smaller total population than the store bought toys, is on a whole, 92% more aggressive - showing strong anti-social and violent behaviors," Ms. Greshenko went on to explain.
Had Olga and Fritz been regular readers of the professional, peer-reviewed journal,
Sociological, Mathematical Constructs of Child Diversionary Devices and Hormesis, they would have known that the toys they had given their son Jonathan, a 3 1/2 month old infant, might have presented a serious danger to him. But, like most parents, they believed that the innocent stuffed lamb named Dimitri was just that - a stuffed lamb. In reality, Dimitri was a pathological toy with a vendetta.
After Jonathan had enjoyed his early morning, morning, mid, and late morning meals, he was set down on his favorite quilt and given some of his favorite toys to play with. In the meantime his mother, Olga, went downstairs to finish some chores, taking her baby monitor with her. "Normally there is some background noise from Jonathan when he's alone. That's when I know everything is OK," Olga explained. "When things became quiet I thought that perhaps Jonathan had gone to sleep. When I heard muffled cries and struggling sounds - that's when my blood turned to jam and I knew there was something wrong." According to Olga and Fritz's testimony in their civil suit against Dimitri and his makers, Benign Fluffy Animals, Inc, it was when Olga heard the struggling sounds that she rushed upstairs to investigate the situation.
What she saw defies belief. "Toys just don't normally crawl on your back and wrestle you to the mat!" stated Mr. Frondenmeyer incredulously. "Toys want to be loved and played with. If you play with them, they'll be there for you. It's just unbelievable!" In a split moment Olga raced to the digital camera, snapped a picture of the lamb attacker and then tore Dimitri off of Jonathan's back. She then flung Dimitri across the room where he hit the wall and slumped to the floor where he lay until authorities came and incarcerated him.
"That a store bought toy would show aggressive, anti-social behavior in broad daylight is a near statistical impossibility," said Ms. Greshenko. "We believe that Dimitri may have been obtained second hand and/or that he had an episodic manifestation of Post Interlinear Traumatic Toy Syndrome or PITTS. Dimitri is really not to blame - his environment has caused him to interact in the way that he did. You can only suppress a psychological neurosis for so long before you have an episodic outbreak," Greshenko stated.
That may be so, but PITTS is so rare that there have not ever been any case studies conducted to determine its causes and effects. Additionally there appears to be some evidence to suggest that Dimitri did not act alone. "We do appear to have an accomplice in this case," answered Sgt. McCloodle in a phone interview. "The photographic evidence shows another toy standing watch while the perp executed his dastardly plan." That accomplice is known by the name of Plastic Bird Thingy but beyond his name it is only known that he was purchased at a garage sale. "We are canvassing the neighborhood to get more background on Plastic Bird Thingy but I cannot comment on what information we have dug up thus far," stated McCloodle declining to answer any more of our questions.
This incident has brought forth public outcry against unregulated toy manufacture, selling, and exchanging. Legislators are in the Senate are drafting legislation which would seek to establish an toy enforcement arm under the Department of Homeland Security. SB-357 would seek to fund this new agency at a level of $2 billion in the first year, increasing by $600 million per annum throught the year 2012. "We believe that terrorists may be targetting toys as the next wave of domestic terrorism," stated Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas. "Most toys are imported from China but you have no idea what the original country of origin was. We have no means to track that. Al-Queda could be purchasing toys at garage sales all over the world, sending them to Al-Queda toy terrorist training camps, and then smuggling them into China to be sent to the US." The problem is potentially enormous with $4 billion in US sales of toys alone, not including the unregulated garage sales and black market sales. President Bush said that he will sign the bill when it gets to his desk. The White House Chief of Staff has only stated that it is an issue of "grave concern." Legislation still needs to be hammered out with the House bill, HR-1025, which is not expected to happen before the Summer recess.
Fortunately Jonathan was not physically harmed in the incident though for monetary expediency it is safe to say that he may have some psychological damage. "One thing's for certain," stated Fritz, "you won't be seeing Jonathan alone with any garage sale riff raff from here on out." One can only hope that the store bought toys are statistically well adjusted.
JEO Jail Break
