Thumb Found - New Era Has Dawned for Digits

Medford, OR - In a surprise development Thursday afternoon, Jonathan Edmund Obendrauf discovered a whole new world had opened to him which could change the way in which he relates to dissatisfaction management and could pave the way for the solution to many of the world's ills as well.

Previously Jonathan had been used to making his requests known by sounding his barbaric yawp. A well placed cry, yell, or scream could get him just about anything that he wanted. But of late he had been finding that these calls for attention and satisfaction weren't always being met with the results he wanted or, in some instances, any results at all. This crisis led to him attempting different means of obtaining satisfaction.

Methods such as gurgling, cooing, sneezing, coughing, etc were alkl tried but to no avail. Even a scream using all of his energy didn't always work. "What I needed was a sure fire way to get some satisfaction in the case where it did not come from the usual sources," said Jonathan in a Thursday evening interview. "I began experimenting with parts of my body." This experimentation led to vigorously moving arms and legs. "I found that mere body movement was not the key. It just didn't give me quite what I was looking for," related a disappointed Jonathan. "What I really wanted to do is suck but there was precious little for me to suck in and of my own accord. I can really relate to Jagger in that I just couldn't 'get no satisfaction'."

All these disappointments led to the accidental discovery of independently moving digits on his hands at the ends of his arms. "I began by sucking my whole hand but the problem with that is that the hand does not conveniently fit into my little mouth. It wasn't until I moved to the individual digits on my hands that I felt I had struck upon something truly revolutionary!" exclaimed an exuberant Jonathan. He first began with sucking on multiple digits. These, though much more satisfactory than anything he had yet discovered, were still not quite the panacea he was looking for. "Multiple digits require a little too much coordination and the size and texture was not quite optimal." Jonathan continued to hone his techniques until he struck upon the thumb. "The thumb is like the king of all digits. The thumb is the master. I am very pleased with the usefulness and versatility of the thumb. I think the future uses of the thumb are there and that its potential is, in a sense, virtually untapped."

Jonathan's use of the thumb has been a real boon to the thumb and, potentially, to the other related digits. In his words, "the thumb is like a digit gateway into a whole world of digit utilization. Not only for dissatisfaction management but also for other needs which are heretofore unknown. Digits may one day help to cure disease and help with world peace!" One can only hope that Jonathan is a prophet and that his discoveries see such noble uses.

Eric Obendrauf - Staff Writer